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Last of the summer whine
12/22/06 |
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Sepp Blatter’s at it again. We had reason to discuss the internal workings of the mind of the President of the Worldwide Friends of Suspenders earlier on in the season but already, just a few weeks later, the Minister of Sound - white noise mainly - has come up with another barmy plan. He reckons that the football season needs to change. Instead of the traditional August to May run, he reckons that we should kick-off in February - the month in which more games are postponed through bad weather than any other - and finish in November. That’s the kind of tampering that’s best left to egg chasing, the kind of sport when nobody cares when it takes place because you only watch it when there’s no other choice anyway. Like when there’s no pro-celebrity decorating on. But to stop playing football in November? Are you sure? Let’s just see what that would mean for the rest of us, the people who, supposedly, are the lifeblood of the game, the supporters. For a start off, it’s going to play havoc with your summer holidays. How can you book a couple of weeks away when your team is still playing every week right the way through the summer months? Where’s the fun in guzzling gallons of ouzo when you’re missing a Tuesday night at Bramall Lane. Well, ok, there is some fun in that, but not enough to compensate for missing the game quite frankly. Then, there’s no opportunity to watch sports that should be going on during he summer, like the cricket. What chance would there ever be of another Test series grabbing the attention in the way the Ashes did in 2005 when the media will be obsessed with the mutterings of Jose and Alex? What on earth will we be able to talk about between November and February when we’re waiting for the football to start again? At least in the summer, you can get outside and do something. Global warming or no global warming, it’s still too cold and dark to be having barbecues at night. And who wants to be stuck inside watching the telly when there’s no live football on? Unless Nigella Lawson’s teaching us how to cook something, in which case, who cares about the football anyway? Having no football through the winter upsets the natural order of things. When it’s cold, dark, wet and windy, those are the days when you should be watching 22 blokes running around in shorts. And gloves if they’re of the slightly cowardly persuasion - there’s something Blatter should be doing, banning the use of gloves, that’s a proper crusade. And finally, he crowning argument as to why this is perhaps the most stupid of Blatter’s ideas. This would mean no football at Christmas. Imagine it, day after dreary day following the main event having to sit, stuck at home with your loved ones, perhaps even your family, worse, God forbid, surrounded by your in laws, watching endless repeats of “Hi De Hi” Christmas specials, mocking us by exposing us to summer in winter, just before we’re expected to watch the winter game in summer. And that is why football has to keep its current calendar. And so, as we celebrate the season of Christmas and we extend the hand of goodwill to one and all, let us extend it even to Herr Blatter himself. A stocking for the suspender fan. May he stick it over his head, so that we don’t have to listen to him any longer. Merry Christmas everybody.
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