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Can you manage?

Dave Bowler

12/06/07

CAN YOU MANAGE?

The candidates are being pressed forwards thick and fast. Every day sees another name winkled out of the woodwork as a possible England manager to succeed steve McClaren, the man who wielded the meanest umbrella since Gene Kelly got caught singing in the rain. Sadly, McClaren turned out to be more Grace Kelly than Gene Kelly and so, once again, it’s time to find somebody else that we can all despise two years from today.

But why be orthodox about this? Every time this job comes around, we scour the football press to come up with a suitable candidate. And it never works. Time surely, to look some other than the sports section of the newspapers?

GEORGE W. BUSH
So he can’t start work until January 2009, but that need not be an obstacle. With his unparalleled grasp of geography, he’ll be especially impressive at organising hotels, ensuring England train in the right place at the wrong time, while he’ll be a whizz at the negotiating table when it comes to arranging fixture dates. And if the other countries disagree with the dates, we just bomb the living daylights out of them. Has his own team of assistants in place - after all, who better to succeed Terry Venables than Dick Cheney?

THE SPICE GIRLS
Yes, all of them. Victoria can make sure that David finally gets to 100 caps after all, and she can probably have the caps redesigned into a nice baseball style. Best not to make her the nutrition expert though. Mel B and Geri can give long talks to Crouch and Owen on just how important it is to have a good pair you can rely on up front, and since Mel C is the sporty one, she’ll have training well sorted. And the other one? She can just stand at the back and look pointless like she always used to. A bit like Brian Barwick.

LEWIS HAMILTON
The leading candidate by a mile, credentials are absolutely awesome. Gets off to a slow start, comes racing through the pack in the middle of it all and then with victory in his grasp, it all ends in disaster. Don’t you love it when metaphors come that easy?

VLADIMIR PUTIN
Football is an uncertain game with unlikely results. Where’s the fun in that? Better by far to know what the result is going to be before you kick off. If the rest of you know what’s good for you.

BRITNEY SPEARS
She’s gone barmy, she’s shaved her hair off, she’s bumbled her way through an MTV show in a state of what best be described as “heightened consciousness”, and yet she still has a career. She needs a spell at the Football Association to really finish her off.

MICK McCARTHY
Got turned down for the South Korean job, so England would be a good consolation prize. Give the job to a good Yorkshireman as the Irish FA once said.

PAUL McCARTNEY
Spent years leading a group of big egos, so he should feel at home in the England dressing room. And Scott Carson would make a great Ringo. Particularly good at working with players who can only use the one foot.

MICHAEL JACKSON
Already lives in Neverland, so the corridors of power at the Football Association would feel very familiar. Might see some of England’s younger talent breaking through into the side under his leadership as well. Allegedly.

AL PACINO
“We made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. Luca Vialli held a gun to Slaven Bilic’s head and we assured him that either his brains, or his defeat, would be shown on the final league table.” Now THAT’S how to beat Croatia.

THE POPE
Pope’s the name, infallibility’s the game. Pity he’s German.