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A day at the circus

Dave Bowler

1/17/08

Strange days indeed. Or they would be if they were taking place any place but that place.
If you want to visit football’s circus of the absurd, you need only go to Tyneside.
In the dictionary, look up ludicrous, and there’s a big picture of Newcastle United.

Need a punchline for your joke? Trot out something about the Toon and that should do the trick.

The most committed support and the least competent business in football, locked in mortal combat like a lifeboat and a desperate suicide who’d prefer just to drown if it’s all the same to you.
Which one is going to come out on top? Or will they all go down together?

The nuclear scenario of total apocalypse is unlikely because the way it looks, there will always be somebody ready to pour cash into the money pit on Tyneside, convinced that they are a big club, that the greatest support in the land makes it so. The oddity is that Newcastle actually are a great club. Their history, their support, their location, their stadium, all of those are the elements that a great club needs. But they’re not a big club. A big club manages to win trophies at least once every 40 years. These days, a big club qualifies for Europe year after year. It generally gets into the Champions League, or at least threatens to. Newcastle United has plenty going for it. But not much of it inside the club.

First, the Allardyce incident. In the name of God, why appoint him in the first place? For all he achieved at Bolton, he did it by playing the kind of football that makes you wish the stands faced away from the pitch. If there is one thing the Toon Army demands - and God bless them for it - it’s entertaining attacking football. So on the first, fundamental requirement, Big Sam was on a loser.

Then there’s his refusal to talk to the BBC after the Panorama probe into the bungs culture in the game turned its gaze on him. If, as we must assume, Allardyce has no case to answer, then his anger at being so singled out is understandable. But in the most high profile sport there is, you cannot simply turn you back on the nation’s major broadcaster. “Match of the Day” remains an institution. In places like Newcastle, still economically undernourished, Sky is what people watch in the pub. They see the game, they don’t hear the interview. They hear interviews at home on the BBC. Only they haven’t heard Sam since he took over. How does that endear you to your fan base?

Then his buying. Fortunes spent to stick Alan Smith in midfield, Mark Viduka on a settee and Joey Barton in jail. Bobby Robson has spent the last week telling everybody that he can run faster than Geremi and then there’s Enrique and Rozehnal. And you wonder why they’re struggling to get above halfway, especially as Michael Owen is in hibernation until England play again.

And finally, there’s the fact that he’s the previous owner’s man. Why did he take the job in the first place? Didn’t he know Freddie Shepherd was on his way? And if he didn’t, what does that say for his planning? Or given he knew he’d got a £4million payout ready and waiting, didn’t he care? If you cry any tears for Big Sam, remember he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

From Big Sam to Little Kev. Don’t go back they say, in life in general and in football in particular. How many second comings have worked out? Here’s a clue - if we’ve been waiting 2,000 years for the Big One, it just shows how difficult it is to pull off, and that’s the fella that really can work miracles.

There’s no doubt that Ghastly Ashley, the man in charge, is a populist. Loves the grand gesture, likes to be a man of the people. But being a Chairman who sits with the away fans at every game doesn’t make you one of their own. It makes you look a bit of a pillock to be perfectly honest and if Keegan has any sense, that will have been one of the stipulations before he rejoined - sit in the directors box where I can keep an eye on you.

There will undoubtedly be a tidal wave of feelgood factor splashing about the Toon for a while now. Sales of Newcastle Brown should rocket through he roof on the back of this, while the prim flower of youthful Geordie womanhood would do well to lock themselves indoors for the next couple of months. But will this rekindling of an old flame last, or will it peter out, a dying ember that never quite catches light?

What can Keegan do? Post Newcastle, his career has been one of promising beginnings and ultimate disappointment. I take it all back, they’ve got the right man for he job after all.