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Do you think that's wise?

Dave Bowler

2/7/08

You’re all acquainted with the majesty of one of TV comedy’s finest half hours, I’m sure. Few situation comedies have matched the sustained brilliance of “Dad’s Army” for comic invention, surreal characterisation and absurd events. And then, along came Newcastle United.

They obey all the rules of the genre perfectly, most notably that daring ability to slowly place layer of stupidity upon layer of impossibility, and yet have it all made believable by the simple fact that it all makes sense to their own bizarre internal logic. We on the outside look in with increasing amazement, bewilderment, while to the principal actors in the play, nothing untoward appears to be happening. The most remarkable thing though is that unlike “Dad’s Army”, this is real life.

You can’t help but feel sorry for Kevin Keegan who, quite frankly, appears to have been done up like a kipper. Those odds of 20/1 on him not making it to the end of the season when he took the job last month suddenly look extraordinarily generous and leave me wishing that I’d made a small investment at the time.

Keegan is already wearing that hangdog expression that characterised the end of his reign at St James’ the first time around and then with England, and you have to wonder if he’s already starting to have second thoughts. The Private Godfrey of Tyneside, surely he’s about to ask if he may be excused?

All of this revolves around the arrival of genial Dennis Wise on the scene, the cross between Walker, the spiv, and Hodges, the hyper ventilating ARP warden. Installed as the Executive Director (Football) - as opposed to Executive Director (Mindless Rage) - Wise quickly introduced a couple of cohorts in Jeff Vetere (Technical Co-ordinator (Dancing On Ice)) and Tony Jimenez as Vice President (Player Recruitment (We’re Not Telling Kevin Though)). Good news for those people who make the signs for office doors, not such good news for the long suffering Newcastle fans who have yet more cooks on board to spoil what is already the thinnest of broths.

Not that Dennis will be doing a lot of cooking on Tyneside because he’s going to be spending most of his time in London, from where he will be running the Newcastle Academy, which is apparently the key area of his remit. For which, you’d think he’d be best off installed actually somewhere near the Academy.

Or perhaps Captain Mainwaring, Mike Ashley, might feel that as a player who spent huge chunks of his career suspended and appearing before the FA and then haranguing referees as a manager, the up and coming youth of the Toon might be better off being separated as far as possible from such an impeccable role model.

Given that he spends so much time in the directors’ box at Newcastle these days, you might think they should have consulted Sgt Wilson, aka Sir Bobby Robson, especially as nobody was going to bother asking the manager. Or perhaps they did.

“Sir Bobby, we’re going to appoint an Executive Director (Football).”

“Well, I say, do you think that’s wise?”

“What a great idea, Dennis Wise. Thanks Sir Bobby!”

Is there anybody who genuinely thinks that this arrangement is going to work out? That little Kev and even littler Dennis are going to work together in perfect harmony? Right or wrong, the whole Director of Football set up has never really taken off in this country where the manager is essentially a dictator, who runs the whole shooting match on the football side. That may be too big a job for one man, it may be right that he gets help, but we don’t buy it here. And we certainly don’t buy it when a Director of Football is imposed on an existing manager. Especially one who’s only had the job a fortnight.

All they’ve done with appointment of Wise is undermine Keegan. One anonymous Newcastle player - take your pick as to who that might be, but I doubt he’s much taller than Wise - has been quoted as saying the club is in “******* chaos” while the coaching staff are trying to keep a lid on it all, Keegan’s trusty assistant, the shell suited Terry McDermott, running around screaming “Don’t panic!” like Lance Corporal Jones, which is at least an improvement on the more Scouserly “Calm down, calm down!”

Keegan has gamely insisted that Wise answers to him, before shooting down that particular argument by adding that it will be useful for the board to have a “football person” in there. A football person who might, perhaps, allegedly, be saying that the manager isn’t using his players correctly, and that he’s probably not quite as good as my mate Luca who, coincidentally, is looking for a job. No such discussions will be talking place, I’m sure, but if you were Kevin, maybe you’d have your doubts?

Of course, there could be a much simpler answer. Who better than Dennis Wise to help Joey Barton with his anger issues? Stupid boy.

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