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UNDER
STARTER’S ORDERS
The Premier League gets under way in England this weekend, so here’s
our preview of the runners and riders for the season ahead…
ARSENAL:
The King is dead – well, he’s in Spain anyway – so
who will be Henry the Second? It’s not all gloom at the Emirates.
The maturing Fabregas has all the attributes to be the dominant
player in the Premiership, Da Silva is full of potential as a goalscorer
and Arsene is still in charge. Top four and a cup.
Strengths: A certain je ne sais quoi.
Weaknesses: Le Roi Henry. Il est allé!
Title odds: 9/1
ASTON VILLA:
The addition of Nigel Reo-Coker and Marlon Harewood from West Ham
has improved Villa but Randy Lerner – he’s the owner,
not a pornography teacher – will be starting to get a little
bit impatient with Martin O’Neill if Villa don’t crash
into the top six this term. Which they won’t. Still, if Celtic
start badly…
Strengths: Doug Ellis hasn’t come back.
Weaknesses: Claret? It’s for drinking, not wearing.
Title odds: 250/1
BIRMINGHAM CITY:
Desperately splashing the cash ever since they won promotion and
Cason Yeung started to buy up the shares of the Golds and David
Sullivan – he really is a pornography teacher, of sorts –
anything above the relegation scramble would represent a great season
for them. They might not get it though.
Strengths: Chinese fortune cookie, he bought Blues.
Weaknesses: He still has Steve Bruce.
Title odds: 2000/1
BLACKBURN ROVERS:
An early start via the Inter-Toto Cup could get them up and running
ahead of the competition, and if Rovers make a good start, they
could make it to the top six this term. Roque Santa Cruz should
bring plenty of goals, they’ve a good blend and Mark Hughes
looks a top manager in the making. The Carling Cup could be on the
agenda.
Strengths: Nobody likes them, they don’t care.
Weaknesses: Even so, having Robbie Savage is taking it too
far…
Title odds: 500/1
BOLTON WANDERERS:
Crucial season for Bolton in the new, post-Big Sam era. Little Sam
is now in charge and their expectations will need scaling down too.
Allardyce took a leaf out of Curbishley’s book at Charlton
and got out while the getting was good, and we all know what happened
at The Valley. Could be a long, hard season.
Strengths: Gary Speed is still there and a very big influence.
Weaknesses: He’s 83.
Title odds: 500/1
CHELSEA:
A surprisingly quiet summer in the Big Ego household, though Jose
and Roman seem reconciled which could be the most significant move
of all. If Shevchenko and Ballack finally start trying to earn their
money, there’ll be no stopping them. If they don’t, there’ll
be no stopping Jose. Champions and the Champions League or bust.
Strengths: Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose.
Weaknesses: Graceless under pressure.
Title odds: 13/8
DERBY COUNTY:
Rarely has a side looked so totally nailed on for bottom place in
the Premier League. If they win the toss this season, they’ll
be on for a civic reception. Jamaican centre-half Claude Davis is
the big signing at £3million, and he got relegated with Sheffield
United last year. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Strengths: Always fun to watch Billy Davies get over excited
on the touchline.
Weaknesses: The squad.
Title odds: 5000/1
EVERTON:
Not too many teams can work the yo-yo as well as Everton, so after
last term’s sixth place, they should be propping up the rest
of the division. They should break that rhythm this time, with a
solid squad though a lack of too many new faces might leave them
short of a fresh spark. Top half, pushing for Europe again.
Strengths: David Moyes – are you going back in that
dressing room after letting him down?
Weaknesses: They’re not Liverpool.
Title odds: 250/1
FULHAM:
Escaped relegation by a point last season, and they’ll be lucky
to do it again. Spent plenty, on players who haven’t done it
in the Premiership, and are praying that Lawrie Sanchez will weave
a magic spell at Craven Cottage just as he did in the last 12 months
with Northern Ireland. He’s more likely to recreate the first
half of his time in Belfast when they couldn’t score a goal
for love nor money.
Strengths: On the banks of the Thames, they can always kick
the ball in the river if they need to waste time.
Weaknesses: Half the games are away from home.
Title odds: 2500/1
LIVERPOOL:
How will they react to losing the Champions League final? Benitez
has shown himself to be a master in Europe but a struggler in England.
Big spending summer heaps the pressure on, but can you really see
Liverpool breaking past Manchester United and Chelsea? And if they
don’t, where will that leave Rafa?
Strengths: They’re not Everton.
Weaknesses: They’re not Manchester United.
Title odds: 9/2
MANCHESTER CITY:
A whole new beginning with the arrival of some Thai cash and Svengali
Sven, friend to the Sheikhs. It’s hard to tell which is the
dodgier half of the equation. Money is being spent like it’s
going out of fashion, the first time City have done that since the
days of Big Malcolm Allison in the late 70s. Which nearly bankrupted
them.
Strengths: More money than they’ve had in years.
Weaknesses: It’s Manchester City. They’ll find
a way to screw it up.
Title odds: 1000/1
MANCHESTER UNITED:
The champions of England who will be focusing on the Champions League
in order to mark the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster.
They’ve bought well from a position of strength and Fergie
is still the best in his business. United and Chelsea are way out
in front of the rest, but at least it’s a two horse race now.
Strengths: Ronaldo, Rooney, Giggs, Scholes, Hargreaves, Carrick…
Weaknesses: Van der Sar’s nose is finally unbalancing
him.
Title odds: 5/4
MIDDLESBROUGH:
Good outside bet for the drop. Seem to have been linked with every
player in the world without very much success, and he departure
of Mark Viduka – especially if followed by Yakubu – could
be disastrous. Gareth Southgate might be well advised to keep in
touch with the media contacts who used to use him as a TV summariser
– he could have time on his hands very soon.
Strengths: Nobody wants to go to Middlesbrough – makes
for a great home record.
Weaknesses: Nobody wants to go to Middlesbrough – makes
for a terrible signing record.
Title odds: 1000/1
NEWCASTLE UNITED:
The most interesting club of the season. Big Sam’s in charge,
ownership has changed since he took over but some things never change
– Michael Owen’s still injured. At some point, the penny
might drop that stability is the only way the Toon will ever prosper,
but don’t expect it to happen soon, given there are already
financial question marks. Good signings in Viduka, Geremi, Alan
Smith and Joey Barton – if he stays out of prison – but
patience is not a virtue on Tyneside.
Strengths: The Toon Army.
Weaknesses: The number 10’s hamstrings. His knee. His
ankles…
Title odds: 200/1
PORTSMOUTH:
Millions to spend on players, nothing to spend on a ground that’s
straight out of the Antiques Roadshow – given the money everyone
else has to plough into facilities, no wonder they have a competitive
advantage. Harry’s spent £20million since the end of
last season – no jokes please, there may be lawyers watching
– and Kanu has resigned for another year at the age of 57 –
or 30, according to his passport. He bought that on Kilburn High
Road I think.
Strengths: Money makes the world go around.
Weaknesses: Danger of players contracting asbestosis from
the Fratton Park stands.
Title odds: 500/1
READING:
Once again, nobody’s mentioned Reading, which is the way the
reclusive Steve Coppell likes it. They’ve brought in Kalifa
Cisse from Boavista for £600,000, but the loss of Steve Sidwell
to Chelsea could be much more significant. No longer the surprise
package, don’t expect them to match last season, but with a
decent start, they should steer clear of the drop zone.
Strengths: Brilliant management of expectations. They don’t
expect anything.
Weaknesses: Has Steve Coppell become Howard Hughes? Nobody’s
seen him for three months.
Title odds: 1000/1
SUNDERLAND:
Roy Keane won promotion by buying a brand new team inside three
days last August, and he’s bought another new one in the last
three months. Halford, Anderson, Chopra, Etuhu, Richardson and McShane
have all come in with more to come. How quickly that blends into
a team remains to be seen, but they’re not getting relegated.
Do you really think Keane would allow it?
Strengths: You think Alex Ferguson is hard to please?
Weaknesses: High death toll at the Sunderland training ground.
Title odds: 500/1
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR:
Responsible for the transfer mayhem that has gone in England after
the extortionate signing of Darren Bent, Martin Jol continues to
build a youthful, exciting side that is the most likely threat to
the top four. Spurs play attractive football, they’re rapidly
maturing as a team and this unit has years ahead of it – they
will make the breakthrough. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
but soon and for the rest of their lives. Here’s looking at
you. Jol.
Strengths: Pace, energy, tight ground, and the fact that
everyone wants them to break up the top four.
Weaknesses: £16.5million for Darren Bent. Are you sure?
Title odds: 66/1
WEST HAM UNITED:
They shouldn’t be in this league and if there’s any justice
in the world, they’ll get relegated. Sadly, there is no justice
in the world and so Egghead Magnusson has seized the moment, spent
a fortune and capitalised on the blazing incompetence of the Premier
League to guarantee survival in perpetuity. Parker, Faubert, Bellamy,
Wright and Ljungberg have all come in, more than enough to push
them into mid-table.
Strengths: It’s illegal for them to be relegated apparently.
Weaknesses: None. See “Strengths”.
Title odds: 500/1
WIGAN ATHLETIC:
Once upon a time, Bradford achieved Premiership survival on the
last day of the season, then Paul Jewell left, Chris Hutchings took
over, they spent fortunes and got relegated. Is that ringing any
alarm bells Wigan fans? Aside from Melchiot and Koumas – both
relegated in the past, both players who only play in the sun, and
it’s never sunny in Wigan – Fulham’s Michael Brown
is a decent addition, but the Wigan adventure might just be coming
to a close.
Strengths: Lightning doesn’t strike twice – or
so Hutchings will be hoping.
Weaknesses: Titus Bramble? Centre-half? Are you having a
laugh?
Title odds: 2500/1
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